I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
As a matter of fact you told me i fulfilled your "woodshop teacher fantasy"
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
So he ended up throwing a watermelon that he stole from the cafeteria saying "if i cant have it no one can" of the 5th floor.
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
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