The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
btw, her name was actually Alixx. in retrospect, it was pretty much a gimme
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
so hungover. idk whos house or comp im on
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
Randomize
