Soap is not a condiment
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
you were upstairs in your room looking out your window and saw him puking in your bushes outside. you then proceeded to open the window and sing Come To My Window
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
Please tell me that is you having sex in my car in my driveway and not a complete stranger.
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
We didn't get home until 4 am. Her mom let us in, confessed that she had sex with someone she worked with and said he had a small penis. I love this family.
He gave me a brownie at the beginning of class and now I can't feel my face.
Randomize
