I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
At the Phils game. My gay buddy just wanted up to a bunch of Mets fans and said "I'm gay, and even I think Mets fans are a bunch of fags." I love this fuckin town.
had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
he literally just asked me which v neck he should wear tomorrow.
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
You're too morally constrained. I firmly believe that you should be less concerned with how young she is and more excited by the fact that she's not jailbait by virtue of a legal technicality.
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
Randomize
