I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
I dont know but I had two different hospital bands and half a pie when i woke up.
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
It's a lube slip n slide down the hallway now. Details later.
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
Is it bad if I look at someone i dont know and just want to punch them in the face?
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
He passed out while I was riding him but stayed hard long enough for me to orgasm. He definitely earned the blow job I’m going to wake him up with in the morning!
Randomize
