1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
Quick question: how long can sperm live in a rug?
I told myself this year would be different, I wouldn't get "pee in a fish tank drunk".. Got to the girls house... Fish tank in her room.. 2 years in a row.. had to keep the tradition going
So far we've hooked up on a pool table, on a public bathroom counter and now in a little league baseball dugout. We haven't even made to a house yet.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
He told me "it wants a kiss" WHY HAS THIS HAPPENED WITH 2 DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
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