He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
So watch family guy till our brains melt and then bang till our bodies hurt?
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
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