Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
Your scrotum should have touched every square inch of that place by now. Start with the water fountain.
And then she apologized after the blow job for being too sick to deep throat. I'm in love..
The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
I got my nipples pierced. If you haven't seen my boobs in the past week, you're among the minority
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Randomize
