Its not really a relationship, its more of a sex for booze program.
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
Just peed in a urinal with another girl. It's that kind of night.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
Those thigh tattoos deserve the handsomest of grins between them. Dont settle.
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
Randomize
