Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
Well, technically I had a shirt on, it was just around my waist.
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
we're ranked number 5 for having the most pot in the country for a university school. idk if i should feel worried or just plain blessed.
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
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