my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
He literally is quoting that 21 questions song, the 50 cent one. oh my god.
she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
Yea. It was an issue. Great time though. Apparently I went through the coat check, put my coat on and forgot I had it so I tried to go through again and just didn't understand why thy weren't helping me. Dave coat checked his pants.
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
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