I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
Yeah, I'm just gonna try to repress that and remember him for his big dick and perfect jawline.
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
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