Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
Joe decreed the livingroom and the hallway up to the burn mark his kingdom. I think this is the point of 'stage an intervention'
This is the most scared i've been of my hands since i did shrooms.
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
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