Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
this is terrible I feel like i'm trapped in a cage with a wild republican
I do have a life. It just consists of making scarves and chesse straws now
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
If you're mature enough to fuck him you're mature enough to tell him you don't want a relationship come on
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
he accidentally put it in my ass, i liked it but didn't tell him that and "accidentally" took his weed.
Wtf happened last night
You traded your bra for a shot so I'd say you probably don't wanna know
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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