You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
He's all enlightened and liberal. My next beefcake will be much more Neanderthal.
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
Despite evidence suggesting otherwise, it turns out max is 100%straight.
Randomize
