I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
Guy just came in wearing only shorts, on his hand was written - my name is ... Call ... And tell them where i am, thanx - in permanent marker, ordered his favorite dish, and left w/out touching it. It's snowing outside.
Saw the guy I once slept with, he was buying Beer and shit tone of diapers. Glad to see how 2016 will turn out.
I woke up completely naked in a mint condition 71 chevelle in someones garage. What.
Dude. If you guys end up really liking each other, the color of his pubes won't matter. I wouldn't break a sweat.
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
Randomize
