I just walked by a ginger with a mullet. I repeat GINGER mullet. So help us God.
I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
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