I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
My cousin had a baby so we have to look at it. Apparently the event is byob
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
Because she seems like the type to give it up for a box of fruit rollups.
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
ive decided that just saying "yes" when people assume I am something other than Caucasian will highly benefit my love life. last night I was native.
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
we f'd six times
f'd?
its sunday, i cant say fucked
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
Randomize
