Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
I heard you shushing me, but my screaming orgasm drowned it out.
Why would you trust me with ANYTHING!!!???
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
This night could easily degenerate into a drunken haze of strippers and gambling, but I need a support network.
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
Randomize
