I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
we tried to exchange flip flops in the parking lot and fell over then army crawled home
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
And my parents said I crawled through the house
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
Randomize
