So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
Not really fighting over the same girl. He takes her out to dinner and then I come over and fuck her. We've worked out the perfect relationship.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
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