The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
Its like her house is inhabited by 50 year old lesbian water color artists with a throw pillow fetish
i dont remember how or why, but i now have 3 coupons for a free BJ from Anise stapled to my right arm.
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
My very favorite thing in the whole world is when guys try to booty call her as I'm fucking her. Sucks to suck.
Completely unrelated and mildly related, a guy I hooked up with last year in a threeway died, his obit photo was his Grindr photo
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize
