You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
Threesome in a minivan. New low
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
It's official. I have spent more money on weed than on textbooks this semester.
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
Randomize
