Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
School supplies are right next to the margarita mix at target. Its a sign
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
The hangover struggle is to real, just passed the drive thru window. Twice.
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