Im at strip club and am horny
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
We're at the hospital. She got a head rush and fell and now blood everywhere. Smoke the rest, just save her a bowl
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
Randomize
