Don't make out with my wife yet
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
Wow. Thanks for becoming another fan of something on Facebook. You make me want to gouge my eyes out.
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
she used teeth so i didnt tell her when i was cumming ...........dont get mad get even
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
Do you think it would be weird to add her on Facebook?
You just commited a felony act together, I honestly think we're beyond this.
he's smothering me... and not in the good, can you move your thigh off my face please?.. way
Babe if there was a way to give a back rub and head at the same time that's what I would ask for my birthday, Christmas and of course right now. Please think about how and get back to me.
Two questions: is there going to be a bathroom at this party, and can we fuck in it. This will define whether or not I enjoy going to parties with you.
RESPOND QUICKLY THIS IS AN EMERGENCY!!! LITERALLY AN 11 INCH DICK!!!!! HELP.
Randomize
