No touching my privates on the ride to school. Pinky swear.
So I just did the walk of shame at dunkin... A lady told me me I was really dressed up and I told her I was going to a luncheon.
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
he just sat there, in the doorway of my dorm room, chuggin a fifth like nobodys buisness.. don't know whether to fuck him or be afraid of his confidence
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
dude new orleans is fucking wild these two guys just performed dueling banjos except they were actually fighting with the banjos
My Hitachi broke 1 day into this stay home bullshit.
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
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