Do you have a straightener and are extra lubricated condoms not the norm?
i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
i love it when bitches who pick on you in high school get fat. thank you facebook you have made my day.
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
Randomize
