Maybe if you date her you can take a dump on her
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
I think he's only dating me for my ass...
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
Randomize
