Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
I assume it was your influence that had me go from DD to waking up out on the deck with one eyebrow shaved off??
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
she's an english major so her sexts are something i look forward to
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
Randomize
