Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
i didnt like the question options for my yahoo account..so i made up the question and it was "favorite bathroom to shit in"
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
We can't do acid Disneyworld.
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
I despise everything about her. Except her tits.
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
Randomize
