I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
Shit stained towel. The very symbol of how much closer we are as friends. Fall 011... beautiful disaster
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
It's rum buckets o'clock
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
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