if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
Who spends 33 dollars at Taco Bell and lives???
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
I woke up under a house in Key West
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
Randomize