the amount of blow i got, New years should last a week.
No. one of us needs a degree and I am already the alcoholic friend. I can't do everything
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
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