I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
we were naked in his bed and he told me all about what a "baller" alexander the great was.
Just remember that she is a giant dick-sucking forehead and you are better than that.
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
Last two new years I ended in jail by 12. Can we wait until its actually 12:02 this time to do something stupid. I'd like to spend the first minute of 2012 free.. At least.
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
do i respond to the booty call for the guy with the bigger dick or the one who has the gourmet coffee i like so much? at this point i'm leading toward the coffee
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
Randomize
