I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
I don't know what's worse the fact that I woke up with a clit piercing or the fact that I didn't pay for it.
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
Literally sucked a dick for ten seconds before I said to myself, this tiny ass penis isn't worth it. My night last night
I woke up at 3am, top off, with campus security telling me to get dressed. Tonight was a GOOD NIGHT
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
Randomize
