There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
I'm listening to bach and watching porn,is that a sign of depression?
Quite the contrary. Sophistication.
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
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