i felt like we were having sex on ultimate fighter, and people on the outside kept yelling ELBOW ELBOW! KNEES KNEES!
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
my confident boosted when he told me that it was I who started making out with him. ME. NOT HIM.
I AM SHOCKED AND PROUD OF MYSELF
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
You shouted "my financial aid just came in, who wants a shot?!" Half the bar followed
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
Randomize
