I am in a vortex of obligation.
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
him crossdressing on the weekends is awkward but not a deal breaker for me.
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
I don't think I bit anyone but I woke up to scrapes knees, bruises and new friends.
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
I got a 93 percent on my last mid term and I was drunk. Think of the possibilities if i were sober for the one thats tommorrow.
Randomize
