I'm laying in your front yard are you home
puked in the new hous. now it's officially home.
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
Well there's only 4 people in my class, we've watched a video, the instructors encouraged us to start using cocaine and now we are on break.
It's been productive.
well theres no bloody mary mix at the campus bookstore so i dont even know what its good for
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
Randomize
