Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
so, not only did she give him head while i was asleep next to them, apparently, it was bad head...
Are you serious?
yeah... as often as she does that, you'd think she'd be good at it...
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
We all have a cross to bear. Yours just happens to be attracting gay men.
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
Wednesday is my day of reflection and making my dick and balls into shapes. So i'll be pretty busy.
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
Randomize
