she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
i just made a girl do the walk of shame. as a bumblebee. i love halloween.
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
He left his shoes, boxers and socks at my house & managed to walk home to his dorm without realizing anything was missing until 3 days after. That's the last time i'll ever hook up with a freshman.
um so slept at robs. he woke up, looked at me, and said ' oh my psychiatrists are gonna have a field day with this one' I think that's when you know you can't hang out with someone anymore
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
Remember Christopher who always sends me pictures of his penis? Look to your right, boy in the blue.
Back at condo with chick. What is the condom situation urgent response needed
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
