I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
Sorry I twat blocked you earlier I didn't know Sam was over. But, my house my rules, I don't have to knock before I enter. I did see naked butts and smelt "Sex Stank" in the air, we're going to have to set some ground rules when I get home. Hugs and kisses..Mom
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
I think I may have fully transcended this spectrum of life. I can see beams of light man. Down to the photons
What
The only downside is I can't stop skipping
Randomize
