You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
You said that "grilled cheese was much to complex" and started to throw the buttered bread at the wall while eating all the cheese.
see these eyes, they just want to bone and go to sleep.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
His last name was woodcox? That just screams I've got a great penis
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
I look excited, but its just a facade.
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
If I say I hate myself for it does it make it any better?
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