i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
i just added your friend Valery on the FB just to comment on your tits.... thought id give you a heads up
Quite frankly, I consider the fact that I'm NOT pregnant one of my greatest achievements and I'd like to chronicle that ongoing success. I'm going to post pictures of me at "0 weeks" once a week.
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
I've finally given up enough on finals week to wear the same shirt three days in a row, because I didn't take my hoodie off for the first two.
Those nachos came to me in a dream
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
Randomize
