Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
first one here with a pint of chicken lo mein, aspirin, and diet green tea ginger ale, gets a full effort bj the day after tomorrow.
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
We let 3 boys take us home and then we woke up in the middle of the night, stole all the coozies out of the house, a loaf of bread, a case of water, a pair of shorts, called a cab, and went home.
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
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