Oh just a soda. I'm "driving"
it will be a sad day when drinking racks of keystone isnt socially acceptable anymore
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
good, we got high then went swimming. shelly forgot to keep swimming so we tied her to the ladder in the shallow part with her bikini top.
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
Randomize
