So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
I'm really debating making a second facebook. Same name only with DRUNK at the end. That way I can keep the guys I only talk to when I'm drunk on that facebook and only go on it when im drunk.
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
I want her autograph on my taint
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
Would be in best interest to sanitize the DVDs
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
I felt I lost my designated buddy on a field trip when you wandered off to get high with strangers.
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
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