I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
Sorry about my life...
So you thought it was a good idea to make plans for the same time same place with the guy you were sort of dating AND his best friend you slept with?
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
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