I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
He brought over a 20 dollar bottle of wine. Who does that? This is college.
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
It was her 21st and she had one drink and fell asleep. I hate 90lb girls.
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
I remember nothing except the fact it happened and I ate doritos and we highfived a lot
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
Dude we gotta go back to your cabin. left glenn. he's calling me crying and still drunk
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
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