dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
I had another sleeping on concrete incident.
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
no, you don't understand how much people deal here. All I had to say was "hey lets buy a bag" and he pulled over instantly, then the randoms in the car behind us pulled over and sold us a bag.
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
I just deff did the walk of shame.. His roommate/manager woke us up. A dog scared me on my stumble to the car.
This is why I'm single.
Randomize
