fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
you know you go to a catholic school when you are rollin a joint with matthew 14:1-12
tell your freshman friends. will trade sexual favors for swipes. ive got dinner tomorrow open and lunch on wed
YES. YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE SEX WITH ME WHILE I SING LES MIS.
There were grown college boys running around north campus in capes with nerf guns. If security were to be called I think they would just give them more beer.
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
We fucked on the roof... like that has to mean something
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
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