In line at the arbys drive thru on foot. Legendary.
i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
it's graduation. he's gonna get congratulations slash emotional i cant believe youre leaving me sex.
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
Pizza toast. It's like pizza but on toast. BC we are broke. OMG its so good.
You would never do this sober.
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
Randomize
