fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
I hope you shit your pants in a socially devastating situation.
so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
I just remember making out with this kid's friend, washing blood off my hands and hearing the RA's were looking for me.
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
He hasn't texted me back since last week when we sexted. I think telling him I wanted to choke him with chains was a bit much for our first time.
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
He had really great hair, but he told me he's been in a psych ward three times. I mean I know I'm a psych major, but that's too much.
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
Randomize
