i just wanna soil my oats bro
omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
i can juggle bunnies
cool
on fire
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
Do I need to take a photo of my sister's enlarged and disgustingly dark nipples to scare you into protection? DO I?
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
Besides the kids on acid... I was the highest kid there
I ate shrooms on a frozen river in an ice fishing shack after a day of vics and beer and walked around on the river in a stupor. They made me bite the head off of a fish.
It's routine now. He comes home from work and i ride him like a cowgirl with only a few sips of wine. I love being his neighbor.
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
Randomize
