I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
The dean held back my hair as I was puking after graduation. That means so much more than a diploma and a handshake.
Ya well my good-girl image was pretty much blown when he found out I'm going to jail soon.
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
I had no plans to sleep with him, but he had to stay because of the snow. I always say, don't look a gift storm in the mouth.
No instead we fucked in the elevator.. it was wrong on so many levels..
How tall was the building? Maybe it was only wrong on some of them
Randomize
