What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
I just sit in the cubicle for 8 hours and do keagles.
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
I got really adventurous too. Like. Balls in the mouth adventurous.
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
you poured beer in your mouth so you could be a beer pong cup for her to drink out of/make out with
Did it work?
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
